(Dreamstime.com)

This is Tim reporting that gay nightclubs in Montreal have been overrun by hetero people looking for cool kid creds. Fact.

Granted, some of them are young females looking to avoid getting grinded on for at least one night out. Nevertheless, never fear – for I, Tim, have straight-up figured out the proper solution to the increasing appropriation of queer spaces!

Is it not accurate to say that lecture halls become resoundingly empty after classes end? Is it not factually correct that, should you at this time of year check out any room in Burnside Basement usually filled with the sounds of calculus, it will be only yours?

This is indeed all true!

So what are you waiting for? Go ahead – claim your space! Begin to dance, secure in the knowledge that you are utterly alone!

Blissful peace surrounds you. No close friend is there to whine about an unrequited crush on some boring human – and no one wants to start a fight with you in this club, God bless!

But no boring dudes are around for you to crush on, either. Huh. Might that be a good thing? Should you this once dip out on disappointing sex and focus instead on blissing out to Rasputin by Boney M.?

LONG LIVE DISCO!!!

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