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Ah honorary degrees: the pillow talk after the academic circle jerk. Ever wondered what they’re all about?

Honorary degrees are degrees that are honorary. They mean, and will always mean, literally fucking nothing. A little known fact about honorary degrees is that they are all printed on skin grafted from Bill Gates’s inner thigh. Poor Bill.

Itching to get your hands on one of those bad boys? All you have to do is follow these simple rules:

  1. Instead of strong opinions, try having absolutely none instead.
  2. If you are, however, determined to have opinions, please keep them to the following: Learning? Great! White feminism? Of course! Real feminism? Ehhhh. Abortions? Sure, I guess. Military Industrial Complex? Ohhhh yeah, baby, right in the de(G)ree-spot.  
  3. Ideally, be a man.
  4. If you are, however, determined to be a woman with an honorary degree, please note that the standards for your achievements will be 10x higher than your male counterparts’.
  5. Ideally, be friends with the Principal, President, or Chancellor of a university.
  6. If you are not, having a lot of money will also do nicely.

And that’s all folks! Although honorary degrees don’t seem like a big deal, they are, in fact, also not a big deal. Hell, Newt Gingrich has one. And anything Newt Gingrich has is definitely not something worth having.

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