(collegexpress.com)

Turns out your discreet “massager” sounds more like a never-ending earth quake rocking your clitoral world? Don’t want your roommates to hear your hot and heavy self-care-by-orgasm sessions? Look no further! Here are six foolproof ways to muffle your vibrator:

  1. Program a sound track of live bees to drown out the buzzing ebb and flow of your masturbatory journey!
  2. Buy a weighted anxiety blanket (or four) to wrap around your body to stifle the sounds radiating at all angles from your self-pleasure device!
  3. Move into an apartment right off of the train tracks. Every time the train passes, shaking your humble abode from the foundation up, you’ll have a fleeting moment to turn up the intensity on a bullet of your own!
  4. Commit to renovating your entire apartment. Your roommates won’t hear even a single quiver over the din of 24/7 hammering. You get uninterrupted orgasms and a new breakfast nook to say you’ll read in but will inevitably end up only using to watch Netflix? It’s a win-win!
  5. Consider celibacy. Overwhelmed by the prospect of keeping even one dirty little secret from your girl group? Just give up entirely. Besides, maybe the teacher that you’re sure was fully qualified to teach the “abstinence-only” curriculum in sex-ed was right, sexual arousal of any kind is a sin!
  6. Own it. You don’t deserve to carry the burden of the stigma society places on women’s bodies and pleasure. Explore your body any way that gets you going. Because, in the wise words of Leon Bridges, “if it feels good, then it must be!”

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